Don’t get me wrong, I like How I Met Your Mother as much as the next guy. When I’m drinking Old Vienna’s in my underwear on weekday afternoons, I’ve been known to watch a rerun or two of Barney, Marshall, the smoking hot Canadian lady, Lily, and the worst character in the history of television. As the show comes to an end, and terrible Ted finally meets the mother of his kids (cause everybody is really on pins and needles after nine f—king seasons), it’s about time that I air my grievances about this guy.
First, why haven’t any of the other characters EVER told him to shut the hell up when he starts one of his trademark whiny Ted pity parties. I get that your life is terrible because you date exclusively beautiful women, you have an awesome job that you’re really good at, you make a boatload of money and you live in an awesome apartment, but do you really have to interrupt the hilarious hijinks of the rest of the gang by complaining and talking about your feelings?
Second, he’s not funny. Not even remotely. I’ve gotten plenty of yuks from this show, and Ted has never delivered one of them. I understand the purpose of straight men in the dynamics of comedy, but does the straight man have to be so unfunny and obnoxious that I want to punch through my TV? I don’t think so. Why can’t we just send Ted to a work camp in Siberia with Ross from Friends so that they will actually have something valid to complain about for a change?
Finally, is anyone actually rooting for Ted at this point in the show? The guy is pompous, pretentious, completely devoid of any redeeming qualities, and has treated most of the women that he’s dated like shit. One woman, Ted broke up with in humiliating fashion, started dating again because of a SWEATER and then dumped again in humiliating fashion. Another left her husband to start dating Ted only to have him throw her under the bus for a promotion at work. Yet another woman was persuaded by Ted to continue dating him after moving to Europe, only to have him cheat on her with his ex-girlfriend. Rooting for Ted to find the love of his life is like rooting for LeBron in one-on-one against a fifth grader in a wheelchair.
After seeing the series finale promo for the umpteenth time during March Madness, I decided that there is only one satisfying ending to the show for me (and apparently a ton of other people on the internet that come up with a Google search of “ted mosby is terrible”). Picture this. Ted lives alone in a basement apartment in Staten Island. He’s lonely and senile and it’s revealed that the kids he’s been talking to for nine seasons are strangers that he somehow lured into his living room. They finally escape and everybody lives happily ever after. Except Ted.
The ball is in your court CBS.